Amidst all the financial difficulties I drowned in, I would say I was overwhelmed. My capacity of management was a buffer zone within which I could manage a certain sum of intensity which once managed would permit me to operate on a day to day basis with worries, but sanity.
I thought about my financial difficulties, I thought about them as long and hard as I always had, but the finances themselves (it occurred to me) were not, somehow, being recognized or wrestled with in my mind as pointedly as I would have expected. Because this was a unique situation where everything possible was going wrong, but not so wrong that I would starve; I had the opportunity to experience an overwhelming sense of failure without, at the same time, feeling the risk of starvation – my security itself was not actually threatened.
A resounding air of peace laid itself unto me. For, if my security was not threatened, then why did it feel so urgent to minimize my losses and maximize my profits? With what logic was this purpose so deeply ingrained in my every thought, as if I would perish within the next hour without solving all of these conundrums.
In the past, I validated my urgency to produce monetary freedom for I believed I sought freedom. But now, it would seem, I am after something else – and this something else must always have been present alongside my need for freedom.
This something else – is it identity? Greed? Fear?
Everything boils down to fear, for even greed is a manifestation of it. So then, what do I fear that should make me mimic drowning when I can in fact touch the ocean floor?
Could it be that I know nothing except trying to swim as hard as I can? That standing still and staring at the Sun holds no meaning to me, and so I must amplify the threat my dunking my head into the shallow water?
Is it that I do not believe I will ever be free, because something within the ocean is connected to my feet? And so, no matter how shallow the water gets, I still feel the threat of drowning?
What is this chain?
And who has the other end?